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Main Entrance

A broker was dismayed when a brand new real estate office much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST AGENTS.' He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST COMMISSIONS.' The broker panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own real estate office. It read: 'MAIN ENTRANCE'

Soliciting Donations

A man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to £900."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"

They sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

Go get your Mother

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

TROUBLE WITH THE POLICE

A man was going around 1.00am alone in his car, he got to a check point.

The policeman stopped him and asked for everything which he gave out.

The police had nothing to ask again, in order to charge him, guess what the police man said; "I charge you for driving alone at this time of the day, if you come get accident now who go go tell your people?"

The man replied: I'm not alone, Jesus Christ is with me here, Angel Gabriel, Angel Rapheal, Angel Micheal and five angels are with me here.

The policeman said: "all these people inside this your small car? I charge you for overloading!!!

Hungry and Broke

There were three men living together in London. An Afro-American, a West Indian and a Nigerian. They were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food.

However upon coming close to a posh London restaurant in this classy neighbourhood, they decided to come up with a plan.

The Afro-American went in first. After being seated, he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal, the waiter came by with the bill. "LISTEN MY MAN, I ALREADY PAID YOU!" - the Afro-American shouted! The waiter was very confused because he could not remember being paid. But because he did not want to cause any trouble...he let the brother leave.

Five minutes later, the West Indian walked into the same restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for the food. "HEY, HEY, LOOK AT ME CROSSES. BUT AH PAID YOU ALREADY!" - the West Indian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm down the West Indian, because he did not want anything to upset the other customers. He let the guy go.

Ten minutes later, the Nigerian walked in. And you know how we are. He sat down. Lit up a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu, plus two bottles of Guinness. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal, But before the Nigerian could say anything, the waiter spoke to him."Sir...I have been having all sorts of problems all day and I can't understand it. Two other people came in earlier and ate, and they say that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them so...." Before he could finish, the Nigerian interrupted, rather emphatically, "OGA I SORRY FOR YOU OOOO. BUT DAT NA YOUR PROBLEM. I JUST WANT YOU TO GIVE ME MY CHANGE!!"

Avoidable Exposure

A man is getting into the shower as his wife is getting out when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. She opens
the door to find their next door neighbor, Bob. Before she can say a
word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking
for a moment, she drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. Wrapping herself in
the towel, as she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was
that?"

"It was Bob," she replied.

"Great!" her husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owed
me?"

Moral :

IF YOU SHARE CRITICAL INFORMATION PERTAINING TO CREDIT AND RISK WITH YOUR SHAREHOLDERS (AND MANAGEMENT TEAM), IN TIME, YOU MAY BE IN A POSITION TO PREVENT AVOIDABLE EXPOSURE.

Sardarji and an American

A Sardarji and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The American wants to play a game. Sardarji is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, he declines and tries to get some sleep. The American, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5,and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the Sardarji's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The American asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Sardarji doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the American. "Okay," says the American, "your turn".

He asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The American, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer & searches all his preferences........no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the Sardarji and hands him $500. The Sardarji thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep. The American, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the Sardarji and asks "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Sardarji reaches into his purse, hands the American $5, and goes back to sleep

Math Question Rephrased (Over the Years)

Teaching Math in 1950:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:

A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C," the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:

By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels "feel" as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2002:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

Teaching Math in 2010:

El hachero vende un camion cargado de lena por $100. Su gasto de produccion es........

"I Swear, It Wasn't Me"

 


People get a party of guests every time they use the public toilet

Denise & Denephew

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.

Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied,

"Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?"

The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise." The husband, relieved, said,

"That's a very pretty name"


 
Which name did you give my son?



The brother replied, "Denephew."

Never fun for other but research says laughing at others is the best form of humour

A Hungry Man

A hungry man was going along the street.

He got to a place and saw a sign board with the inscription "Eat as much as you can here, your grandson will pay".

The man went in and confirmed from the receptionist who confirmed the statement. The hungry man now ordered for series of food with assorted meat, fish, turkey and others. He ate and ordered for drinks in excess.

He drank excessively. As he was preparing to go, the steward called him and gave him a bill of 2,000 Naira.

The man was annoyed and asked "what the hell is going on here? What is this?" (So so big big grammar)

The steward answered "it is the bill of your fore-father which you must pay so that your grandson would pay for the one you ate."

Remember these 80s adverts

 

 

In a Minute

A man was meditating quietly on his bed one morning. During the meditation, he decided to talk to God.

He asked God, "How long is million years to you"?
God looked down and answered "According to my own standards, It's just a minute."

He then asked again. "How much is a million dollars to you?"
God looked down again and answered. "You see, to me, its just a penny."

Excited by these answers, he then asked. "God, can you give me a penny?"
God looked down and answered "sure, in a minute".

Business and economy class all the way